I Want to Hide (comments allowed*) — updated

4WhiteSandsHiking2009Dec

 

SOMETIMES I WANT TO HIDE FROM THE WORLD. I want to end my blog, delete my WordPress account, delete my Twitter (which is all the social media I can manage these days), and stop commenting on other people’s blogs.

I am feeling this way right now and I don’t even know why. I’m not depressed. Not really very anxious. And I’m definitely not angry or upset with anyone, either. No one has insulted me or hurt my feelings recently. I really don’t know what’s wrong. I just….. want to hide.

If I do, I can always come back later if I change my mind. But what a lot of work that is, deleting accounts, deleting blogs, and then restoring them all again.

What in the world is my problem? I don’t have anything particularly stressful going on right now. Other than writing my memoir, that is. Some parts of my story are so hard, I feel like it’s almost killing me just thinking about writing those parts.

Maybe I need a break. A long break.

Part of the problem is, I’m not sure if I should even be writing my memoir. Christians are supposed to forgive, to honor our father and mother, to think only on “good things,” turn the other cheek, and love our enemies. Even though I am changing all of the names and some identifying details, how forgiving, honoring, and loving is it to write about the horrors of a childhood that drove me to an insane asylum almost fifty years ago when I was fourteen?

Why bother? That’s what I keep asking myself. Why bother going through all the torture of writing my story? Who, other than maybe a handful of friends, will even want to read it? And will anyone believe the crazier parts of my story? I really don’t think that I would believe my own story if I hadn’t lived through it all first hand.

The world is full of millions of books and billions of stories. Why go through all this struggle just to add one more book to the pile?

I think I need to go for a long walk with the dog.

*Comments are enabled on this post (if I adjusted the setting correctly, that is). I would really appreciate some feedback on this. And, if I pick up a hater troll or two, like happened before when I allowed comments… Oh Well. I can just ignore them, right? Lord knows I have survived a lot worse. πŸ˜€

Thank you for reading. God bless.

*Well, after posting this, I see that the comment box is still missing. Until I figure it out, I invite you to send your feedback to me via @LadyQuixote on Twitter. Thanks again.

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Update Added January 27, 2016: I still haven’t figured out how to allow comments on this post. Turning on comments via Settings/Discussion didn’t work, not even after I checked the comments box under Screen Options on the edit page.

However, I did receive some very helpful and encouraging feedback from six wonderful people. A HUGE thank you goes out to:
My Awesome Husband ❀
Kathy Boecher
Lucky Otter
Marie Abanga
Opinionated Man
Sleeping Tiger

Thanks to their gentle advice and encouragement, I have decided to leave my blog and Twitter account up, but take a short break from writing.

I’m feeling much better already. πŸ™‚

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About Lynda Lee

Lynda Lee is my pen name. I am a former nurse, a Mensa member, and a writer, diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by extreme trauma and narcissistic abuse. Formerly agnostic, I am now a Christian. My husband, a USMC Vietnam War Veteran and a Chaplain, has PTSD caused by combat. We've come a long way on our healing journey and we still have a ways to go. We put the FUN in dysfunctional. :-)
This entry was posted in Bad Memories, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Complex PTSD, Developmental PTSD, insane asylums, Mental Illness Stigma, Out of My Comfort Zone, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, PTSD, Surviving Trauma, Trauma Triggers, Writer's Block, writing, Writing Memoir. Bookmark the permalink.