“After her children move on with adult lives, the narcissist makes sure to keep each apprised of the doings of the others, passing on the most discreditable and juicy gossip (as always, disguised as “concern”) about the other children…… in a way that engenders contempt rather than compassion.”
Contempt rather than compassion. Those four words say it all.
I have been my mother’s scapegoat for more than fifty years. Her character and actions are almost 100% identical to the narcissistic mother described in this article. She triangulates, she lies, she denies her faults and projects her worst sins onto me. All the while professing her “deep love and concern” for me, her scapegoat daughter. Just like the momster in this article.
In 2005, when my mother and my now deceased stepfather came to New Mexico for a vacation with another couple, I excitedly invited them to have dinner at our house, as they were going to be driving near us on the way to their motel. I also said they would be welcome to stay in our spare bedroom as long as they liked, after the couple they were traveling with had gone back to their home. But in her snooty condescending voice, the voice that always made me feel like I had unwittingly done something wrong, my mother informed me that seeing us “would not fit in with their plans.”
On the last night of their stay in our state, my mother told her husband and the couple they were with, that she had invited my husband and me to meet them at a restaurant. It was a lie. When we failed to show up, she went into fake hysterics with worry over what may have happened to us.
In 2011, my mother sent me a 62 page hate letter, telling me everything that was ever wrong with me in my entire life. It wasn’t the first time I had received a hate letter from my mother that was at least 50 pages long. But it was the first time, to my knowledge, that she sent copies of her raging letter to others in the family.
Well-meaning people (who have never walked in my shoes) have advised me to forget about my mother’s abuses, because my childhood was so long ago. What they don’t understand is that my mother’s abuse never stopped. I became a mother and then a grandmother, and still her abuse never stopped.
With the sole exception of my aunt, my mother’s younger sister who was also abused by my mother, no one in my family of origin believes my version of things. Because… what kind of mother would tell such outrageous and evil LIES about her own daughter?
This kind of mother would. The narcissistic mother. Until I found articles like this online a few years ago, I thought my momster was the only one.
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This 2007 article from the Deconstructing Jezebel blog may be the most comprehensive, descriptive, detailed, and yes, extremely triggering article about narcissistic mothers I have ever read. Reading this was like reliving the trauma all over again. But if you were raised in a narcissistic home, it will open your eyes too, and if you had any doubt your mother (or father) was a narcissist, this should clear up any doubt.
Although written about mothers, all of these things could apply to fathers too.
It’s also very long but well worth reading.
The Narcissistic Mother
The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self.
It’s about secret things.
It’s about body language.
It’s about disapproving glances.
It’s about vocal tone.
It’s very intimate.
And it’s very powerful.
Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers
1. Everything she does is deniable. There is…
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